My Ideal Island

Before, I would blame on the teacher. But  now I just blamed on myself.
Why couldn't I have done better.
这个季节是要怎样，我最近是要有多emotional。

想到以前没事就跟人吐槽。现在压力大到根本不想找人说话。
有时候觉得自己弱爆了，英文不行，专业不行，social不行，我到底拿什么和别人比。
再这么想下去又要回到上学期的状态了。
我没有smartphone，微信talkbox从来没用过。我没有IPHONE，siri也调戏不了。
我的生活和国内的同龄人早就脱节了。
最近情绪非常差，我不知道自己是不是到了一个瓶颈，想不通很多事。
其实人都需要陪伴，就像我现在，如果身边有个人可以安慰我，也许会很好。
可是这些都不是长久的，这世界瞬息万变，离婚率那么高，我到底该相信些什么。
我只是希望现在一切得trade in都最终获得payoff。

很多时候我在想，把兴趣当做专业来学，怎么就没意思了呢。
是自己不够努力，还是自己还不够喜欢。
Jobs said，find something you like, if not, don't settle.
我不知道自己真心喜欢什么，也不知道自己真心能做什么。
所以我真的不知道什么时候才能settle。
朋友不理解我为什么半路出家，在国内都读了一半了还跑出去重新读一个专业，浪费时间浪费钱。
可是我觉得读自己不喜欢的东西，受着不喜欢的教育，才是浪费时间浪费钱吧。
很多时候我觉得国人只是追求一些表面的东西，一身名牌，一张文凭。
可是说到底，没有气场没有底蕴，一身名牌有什么用。没有学到有用的东西，没有将学到的东西synthesize成自己的知识，再加以利用，一纸文凭又有什么用。
这一年多来价值观发生了一些变化，金钱名利都是浮云，及时行乐乐善好施才是精神所在。midwest实在是一个太ideal的地方。
并不是想抬高自己，我还是希望以后能赚很多钱。我也没什么立场来judge。
ego和super ego之间的矛盾，应该还需要时间来磨合。

我不知道如何来表达我现在复杂的心情。
也许最好的办法也就是写完这些早点睡觉。
我很害怕这些年努力的成果都是幻影。
已经快两年了，你也许永远也不知道我会在哪些奇怪的点想到你。连我自己也不知道。
很多时候我会怀疑自己，是不是原先根本就配不上你。
朋友说那当初为什么你们会选择对方，所以这不对。
把你的生活还给你，也把自由还给了我自己。
我很羡慕你现在的生活，但是，我也很喜欢自己现在的生活。
还是这种平和中夹杂着惊喜的日子适合我。
我现在很好，以后我会更好的。
我一直一直，都那么积极。

很长时间没有写博客，并不是因为不想写，有时因为忙碌，有时因为自己零乱的思绪，写字的念头才被搁浅。

想不开的时候，总是觉得生活不顺心。

说到底还是自己做得不够好。

其实真的没有必要再多想什么了。

我只是害怕我不能尽快赚到钱，来不及让父母多过上些舒坦的日子。

既然选择了远方，就不要害怕一路上的风雨兼程。

还有什么，我真的说不出了。

1. Last week of this semester and the whole year. I know I have way too much to do but I wanna say sth. about my feelings and what I realized these days.
I feel emotionally touched when I left the last psyc disorders class of Greg today, and it barely happened before. A great teacher should be like him: smart, funny, patient, flexible, brilliant and Austrilian! The lecture was so informative and I suffered the exams, the papers and I'm still suffering the stress of the final exam. It's like a bittersweet cuz when I look back, I'm amazed by what I've learned and the process I've made. I wish I could take that class again with him.
People think he has God's complex. He cant disregard people when they need help and you can definitely feel his care. Some say I have God's complex too. I doubt if I could becom a person like him. A person who everyone talks good things about. Well I mean, yeah, I wanna become a psychotherapist, or at least a counsellor who can make people feel relieved. I was astonished when I know how many people are suffering mental illness here. A lot of them are undercontrol because they take medication. I personally dont believe in medication though they do have fast efficacy. But isn't it so sad when people become dependent on medication? I have this dream that I can cure people by therapies.
I know it's hard.

2. I have dreams but I lack the courage to make them come ture cuz I dont want to take the risk. And you know what, so do most people.
I always wanna learn dance. I always wanna learn drum. I always have those fancies but dreams are always dreams.
How many dreams have you left deserted, huh?

3. I feel I have phobias of going back home. The extremely increasing price and the appreciation for money make me anxious. I enjoy life here where it is not materialism. I hate it when people's life is all about bragging what they have and what they buy. It seems is all what their life is about. And people are so narcissism about themselves.  It's totally different here in that you are loved by the way you act, by how funny you are, by your personality, not the shits you have.

4. I feel so thankful that I have friends to keep me accompanied when I need them.  I was frustrated by the so called "crush". I almost got mad by such irrational thoughts like "why didn't he text me?" "Why didn't he ask me out?" They told me I shouldn't be so obsessive about the result. Let things go and what belongs to me will eventually come to me. I feel we've reached the stage that we are all too eager about our desires. We just want to get it whatsoever.
The payoff is that the dissanonce makes you crazy and destroy your happiness.
Take initiative but don't rush.
Change will come.

5. I'm actually loath to leave my friends but I can't wait to get things done. Those breaks are always good cuz you have lots of time to ruminate, to settle down and figure things out.
But hell yeah, I have to go through this shitty week.